De Crab, Boss, De Crab!'

Erik Kennedy

	I am about to speak to you as though I am a lovesick marine biologist.  
I am not.  Neither.  I am a somewhat harmless delusional schizophrenic. I studied 
game theory & tae-kwon-do at college.  Schizophrenia means 'split mind.'  I'm 
not sure which part of this word means what.
	* 		*		*		
	You are a crab, love, but not in the sense of 'crab n. a marine arthropod 
(crustacea) w/ a flat, broad latitudinal carapace & ten appendages.  The two 
forelegs are jointed such that a claw is formed at the terminal end of each.  
This claw/claws may be used to ensnare & crack open prey, to clean the crab's 
undercarriage & otherwise inaccessible genitals, or by deviant oceanographers for 
their sick, onanist pleasure.'As I was saying, not in this aforementioned sense 
or even as a curmudgeon, but really as Hamlet's silly backward-roving crab 
stilting inanely here & there. You see, crabs are what we who make a habit of 
aqua-voyeurism, under the safe umbrella of biology of course, refer to as 
'comic little bastards,' (crustacea antic). For if one observes this 'crab,' 
or comic little bastard, for long enough, one is bound to see him scuttling 
about, innocently fumbling his/her way into the hearts of doting marine scientists.
	Or latching onto the hapless oceanographer's testicle in an understandable 
and instinctual attempt to wrench it forth as a protein-heavy staple food.  This is
true.
	I've soiled several wetsuits laughing at this pursuit.  Scientists think 
that the globular, maternal shape of this 'prey' may be indicative of some sort
of Œdipal complex.  Scientists think this is extremely funny.  I own my own wetsuits.
	Crabs lost on vacations or in airport customs depts. have been known to wind 
their way home improbably.  Egbert L_of Jejune, SD states, 'O!!!'  His crab 
Strike the Gold traveled 1,600 miles to the Badlands in less than two weeks. 
He was somewhat exhausted, though.  The crab, that is.  Scientists think crabs are
kinęsthetically endowed w/ an 'internal compass' or 'echo-location' or 'LORAN' like 
pigeons & Jehovah's Witnesses.  Ah, the majesty.
	If you put two crabs in a jar (w/ proper ventilation of course) and shake 
it, they fight.  Really.  The same holds for most somewhat aggressive insects & 
Southerners.  I haven't spoken to any scientists on this subject.
	* 		*		*		
	Love?
	Join me now in song as I celebrate.  Lift high thy voice.  As the enchanting
popular song by The Clash goes:

	De crab he be singin' all de day
		His craws they be tap-tappin' like de St André

	An' this crab he do know thass all dere is 
	     --but baby, it be better than bein' no Communiz'